The idea of leaving my corporate job of more than 18 years scared the shit out of me. I am a mom, my husband was making big changes to his business, we had 3 dogs and all of the responsibilities that come along with being a homeowner and parent, and to top it all off I don’t have a college degree. The idea of leaving was downright frightening, but so was the idea of staying. I had been successful in my career. A loyal employee to 2 companies in my 19 years. I worked hard and got rewarded with promotions, money, more responsibility, and it was enough, until it wasn’t.

The games I had to play and the mixed messages that I was receiving were taking a toll. My health, which is something I value immensely, had gone to straight to dumptown USA. My self-confidence had been destroyed, and I felt numb. Let me repeat that, I was numb. I was so caught up in my daily life and just grinding through it because I thought that was what you were supposed to do. I didn’t really feel anything about what was going on in my life. Laughing and joy weren’t as prevalent as they should had been. I’m not saying that I wasn’t ever happy, ‘cause that’s not true. I definately had some fun and enjoyed moments here and there, but it just felt blah. It always felt like there should be more. I was meant to do more.

What got me most though was looking into my children’s eyes and daydreaming about what kind of parent I wanted to be and what kind of parent I wasn’t anymore. I wanted to be the parent that played with their kids, threw a ball in park, played hide and go seek, or went on walks. But I wasn’t those things anymore. I was so hell bent on being everything and everywhere, that I just threw up the emotional wall that let me get through all of my daily tasks and not feel anything. My feeling and desires were secondary all of the “shoulds” that needed done every day. Spending time with my kids and husband looked like being in their company, but mentally being somewhere else. I was thinking about a to-do list, in a daydream about a moment to myself, or beating myself up about what I wasn’t getting done either at home or at work. Telling myself this is normal; this is the grind. Here’s the thing though, it wasn’t normal.

What my life looked is what we are told is should look like. I was fulfilling the dreams of the brave women before me who had f0ught so hard for equal rights. I had the opportunity to work a great job and I had the opportunity to have a family. I had the opportunity to be an active member in my community, and all the other things. But what wasn’t anticipated was the counter culture it created. An environment of you can do it all, and if you don’t then you have failed. You failed as a parent, and an employee, and a member of society, and as a female. Well I failed, cause the day came where I broke down…. I sobbed, and sobbed, and ugly cried, I screamed into pillow. I couldn’t do this anymore. It was too much. The pressure was too much. Something had to change. I stopped crying, and I listened to heart. It became very clear what I had to do. I quit my job. Did I mention this was in the middle of covid? I didn’t have much of a contingency plan, only that I would take a couple of months off then start looking for another job. The day after I took my last packed box out of my office, handed off the last document; I tore my ACL. I was forced to sit and contemplate what I wanted to do with my life. So, I did.

I gave myself permission to go deep. To uncover all of the crap that had been holding me back from getting what I wanted in life. To look at the stories that I had been telling myself that didn’t serve me anymore. To look at my childhood wounds and repair that relationship with myself. To fill part of my time doing and re-discovering what I loved and what excited me. What made me expand and what filled my bucket up daily. I discovered that my desire to help people and understand our behaviors and patterns was still something that I was passionate about, so I took steps to take my life in that direction.

So where am I now? I am still married to the man I love, and we are raising our kids together to understand that life is dance. That there are ups and downs and emotional walls don’t save us. I have gained knowledge and understanding of who I am deep at my core and why I sometime procrastinate and how to tame my inner people pleaser. My self-talk has changed, and my confidence has come back. My bad cooping habits have been replaced with healthier ones (most of the time). I am exploring new things and speaking up for myself. I am finding ways to incorporate my ambitions and career goals into my life in a balanced way. I am both mentally and physically showing up for my kiddos and hubby. Most importantly though, I have learned that when I take care of myself, let go of the social stories, that I can thrive. I can be the mother, wife and employee that I want to be and have those things in balance. I am able to help and care for others in a very natural and healthy way. My stress levels have gone down and my relationship with my kids and husband has found a natural rhythm of growth, love, respect, and fun again. My life is not all key lime pie and pizza, meaning it’s not perfect, but it does authentically make me happy. It’s my kind of perfect, not somebody else’s definition, and that’s what matters.

I needed to make some big changes in my life, but you may not. Sometimes it’s simply creating a boundary, letting go of an old belief, or having an accountability buddy that can give you unbiased feedback. I would love to be that person for you.

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